In the effort to safeguard children from sexual abuse, one crucial element stands out: the absence of secrets. Understanding the manipulation behind secrets and their role in grooming is key to protecting our children.  Predators often use secrets to manipulate and test children. They start with seemingly innocent requests, framing them as shared confidential information between the child and the adult. This manipulation can begin subtly, gradually escalating to more sensitive or inappropriate topics. By keeping these secrets, children unwittingly become part of the grooming process, feeling a sense of loyalty or obligation to the adult.

Types of Secrets Children Might be Asked to Keep

These secrets can vary from seemingly harmless to deeply troubling. For instance, a predator might ask a child to keep quiet about receiving gifts, special attention, or private conversations. They could also instruct the child to hide inappropriate behaviour, such as touching or showing private body parts. These secrets can be distressing for a child, causing confusion, guilt, and fear.

“Don’t tell your mom that I gave you chocolates. She will not allow you to play with me.”

“If you tell your parents about playing video games with me, I’ll get into trouble.”

“Don’t tell anyone about what we did. They will not understand it.”

Secrets are used by the predator to create a shared sense of guilt – to make the child believe that they agreed to the abuse by keeping it secret and therefore it is their fault. Keeping secrets about many things makes it harder for a child to report abuse because they fear the consequences of lying to their parents and other trusted adults. And perhaps most critical is the fact that predators use secrets to “test” or “gauge” if a child can be groomed. If a child keeps an “innocent” secret about eating ice-cream or playing video games, then they are likely to keep other, more serious secrets too.

The Difference Between Secrets and Surprises

It’s essential to help young kids distinguish between secrets and surprises. Surprises are joyful, planned events meant to bring happiness and are eventually revealed to others. They are temporary and meant to be shared, unlike secrets, which are often coercive and intended to be kept hidden indefinitely. Teaching children this difference empowers them to recognize when something feels wrong.

The Role of Safe and Trusted Adults

Safe and trusted adults play a pivotal role in reinforcing the importance of not keeping secrets. Children should be assured that safe adults will never ask them to keep secrets, especially secrets involving touches or behaviours that make them uncomfortable. Safe adults will also encourage kids to speak up without fear. They will encourage children to share any information that makes them feel uneasy, emphasizing that they won’t get in trouble for speaking up.

What parents can do

By educating children about the manipulative nature of secrets, differentiating between surprises and secrets, and emphasizing the role of safe adults, we equip them with the tools to protect themselves. Remember that speaking up about abuse can be very scary for kids. They may also feel ashamed and confused about situations that they do not fully understand. As a parent, one of the most important things we can can do is to create an environment where children feel safe to speak up without fear. You need to become the first person they go to for help, advice and information. That way, they will be unlikely to keep secrets from you. Additionally, parents also need to check in with their kids about their life – friends, school and other activities. Sometimes as kids grow older, we forget to ask them how their day was and who they spent time with.